Till It's Gone

 Don't it always seem to go

That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot

How often is it that we take for granted what we have and don't give much appreciation for these seemingly little but enormously significant things?

Just because its always there, or just because it appears so frequently we tend to get sick of em', does not mean we do not need it at all.

While it might concern the bigger picture, my own experience about being grateful and not is much more personal than survival necessities.

Though we may subject gratefulness to things that keep us alive and well, such as forests, lakes, air and even light itself, my only concern for this post is to rant about what I have let go of and regret so bitterly.

Once we decide to let go of stuff, it tends to hit us back somewhat ironically in the near or never-ending future.

Being forced to stay in this place when my period in this hell has already expired is beginning to bore me to my very core. It is times like these that I wished I'd never applied here in the first place. But then again, I would miss out on a lot of things, good and bad, awesome and not-so-awesome, positive and negative, and many others that have impacted my life in a way which I can never be certain of it's goodness or badness.

I like this place. I like the people. I like my friends. 

BUT  I HATE THIS PERIOD OF TIME.

PERIOD.

Nah, it's just the heat of the moment. Being alone and having nothing awesome to do can be depressing. Although it is pretty much what I do on a daily basis here. 

Being grateful is also related to being content with what you have. And being content is one thing I will never be good at. Sadly, I am diagnosed with the disability of being able to stay satisfied with what I have.

I'm working on it, 24/7, 52 weeks, 365 days a year. 

Kinda failing though, and only seeing tiny glimpses of hope to ever recover.

I really miss the times when I was a kid.

I didn't really have that much of a desire.

Now, in my youth, desire can be a pain in the ass.

It is an unquenchable thirst for things that I (in my current state) will either have trouble with or is virtually impossible to acquire.

And then, by being the ungrateful dimwit I am, things that I already have, abstract and physical stuff, I throw them out the window for something more which usually does not come.

Ironically, these things come back and haunt me, making me feel the regret of choosing to abandon them.

All I can do to make myself feel better is the thought of something better that might come along as I walk forward.

Maybe, just MAYBE, this time, I will see the value in things, and be GRATEFUL, and not let them go.

Thank You

Missing?

Yeah, what do i mean by missing?
There are many things that come up when this word is mentioned.
In particular, this is about me.
I don't know how to figure this out, or how to make it go away.

For all i know is that something or someone or even the abstract of things (emotions and moods) is missing.
Somewhere in the line of life, i have made decisions, choices that determine any number of possible outcomes.
I can say that my decisions were made after a great deal of calculation, but mixed up with emotions.
I am not proud of my decisions, i won't say it was for the best, but all i can do is be grateful that they have brought me here, this moment, alive and still in one piece. As for those decisions that have cost me so much, i can't stand the thought of doing things the other way, taking the path which might have lead to a better future.
I am truly sorry to all those whom i have affected due to my bad decision-making, and if it does you any justice, i don't feel all to good myself, and i hope that i can make it up to whomever that i have crossed.

The thing about these outcomes is similar to a trip. You go with what you have packed, and you come back with either have something extra, or something left behind. That is precisely what i am experiencing now.
I dived into these moments, and have come back with perspectives anew, connections, and maybe new friends, but some things, things that i hold dear, i have left behind with no intention of doing so.
The worst thing is that i don't remember. I am not caught up with anything, i am not that busy to be forgetful.
I just don't remember. All those memories that have once eased the core of my human soul are dissipating, one by one being forgotten. I don't know why. And new feelings come up to the surface, ripping my mind into shreds, forcing their way through to dominate what's left of my old self. Am i a changed person? Am i still the same? I can't tell. I can't remember. I just hope that there is still room for a good side of me, one of which i love the most. One of which she loved the most.

All my rants have come up to one summary. A lost and found case, only what was found isn't what was lost, and what was lost remains a memory.

"to all good things comes an end"

Anyway, I would like to forward my condolences to my friend and coursemate and also statemate, Lorenzo, for the passing of his late grandfather. I am very sorry for your loss, but as God has made us all, he will take us back. Just be eased by the promise of Christ that he who has burdened, he shall be given rest. Take care Lo and be strong, we need you to take this crappy semester down. Cheer up :)

Highhh

Doing all my stuff with an all-time high
So high i can't remember why
The reason i chose to get high
So high i can fly
Hahaha

Despicable Me.

Kelas tak pergi. Assignment tak buat. Janji tak dikotakan.
Memang despicable la.

boom boooom

1st time clubbing. Ingat enjoy... In the end, dapat headache with a scale of 9 on the Ritcher scale..
Not a clubber i guess. Haha, though i like to put music loud in my own room.
Drinking would be a much better choice, and it might be much more enjoyable.
Damn, clubs would be off my to-go-to list when i'm rich enough.
Oh well,

So don't knock it, don't knock it, you've been here before..

...

given a chance
i wanna be somebody
 
if for one dance
i wanna be somebody
 
open the door
it's gonna make you love me
 
facing the floor
i wanna be somebody

Shut Eye

Come on, sleep. You need it. Enough playing games, enough watching crap, enough.
I just can't sleep. Is it my fault?
Of course it is. What's that sound?
Huh? What sound?
You don't hear it?
No, i don't! Tell me what it is!
Its the sound of people sleeping. Why aren't you doing the same?
I can be different if i want to you know. Frankly i do wanna sleep.
Then what's the problem?
Its just that i have trouble sleeping when i think about stuff ya' know.
Stop thinking then, if that's the problem. Lay down, close your eyes and picture tomorrow.
That's thinking too smart-ass.
Well, just lay down and be blank.
Easy for you to say, you're just saying it, you're not doing it.
Okay, i will show you.
Go ahead then. Teach me oh master of sleeping.
....
....
....
I'm not learning anything.
...
...
...
Nothing, just watching you lay down and doing nothing.
..
..
..
Which part of this is suppose to help me sleep?
.
.
.
Zzzzzzz~