Tired. So tired.

It's just a normal weekend in my campus, UTP, Tronoh, Perak.
Typical university student life i guess.

I spend my evening and nights playing futsal, getting bruises all over my legs, and muscle cramps that take weeks to heal.
I indulge myself in LAN games, movies, and series(Korean drama's mostly).
I try to cut down on what i eat, making sure that it doesn't cost too much.
I wake up each morning feeling groggy, and immediately sit in front of my desktop, trying to figure out what to do. Most of the time, i just play some clips that i have already watched more than a thousand times.
Breakfast isn't much of a routine anymore, and for the rest of the day, i try to do all of the above.

I wonder what is missing from my daily life here. Well, apart from religious practices which i have abandoned for a week or so, i find myself yearning for something that i eagerly let go of.
Envy is my middle name, and being envious of those around me makes me sulk even more.
Thinking of what i did back then, i have come to realize that as far as my own sense of logic and conscience affects my decisions, i most certainly have a glimpse of regret on what i have done.
I wish i could talk to someone, i wish i could talk to "you".
Oh, i wish upon each falling star, even the ones that fall during the day, which you can't see but it does exist, that i could talk to you, the way friends do, the way i enjoyed to.

Being an introvert is my forte, i like to keep things to myself.
It's is normal that everyone needs to let out at least a part of their stuffed problems and daily misadventures, but i don't do it, i can't. I like to be cool, as if everything is going according to plan, my very own master plan. I have seen what i can become when the lid of my sorrows pops and everything comes gushing out like a broken dam. I have seen it myself, and honestly, it ain't pretty. I let all those around me down. I even hurt my friends. By right i should be a castaway, and quite frankly, it seems that i have to start counting my blessings, coz, the time will come when it surely runs out.

The path i have chosen seems to lead to an old abandoned house, where no one comes to visit, afraid of the senile old man who keeps lizards as his pets. Writing about my feelings in this FMI blog seems to be the best way i can get some of these tormenting thoughts of my shoulders. I want to breath air, i want to start off anew, with no past, an exciting present, and a hopeful future. It sounds cliche, but it is truly what i desire.

Anyone who comes across this post, or any other emo-post that is in this blog, will be immediately bored to death, but that's the sole reason why i named it FMI. Only for me to trash talk this blog to the brim of its cup.

Anyway, i am feeling a bit better now, all this pent-up stress is certainly taking a toll on me, mentally and physically.

End, Begin!

You know how they always say that in every end there is a new beginning, and for every beginning there is an end? They should combine these two words, and that's what you call the transition period for the end to become a new beginning. Something like "beginend" or "EndBegin", but it sounds best as " End, Begin!", cause it sounds like a countdown to an eating contest, only the "and" is a "end".
Anyway, my semester results have come out, and seriously, i couldn't sleep cause it was on my mind the whole entire time waiting for it to be uploaded on the prism thingy. I'm having mixed feelings about last semester's result; i am happy that i am still on the dean's list, but a huge part of me keeps bugging me about how much better i could have done(for the fact that i had only four subjects last sem, which is short 2 from a normal semester.). Well, what's done is done, i can't change it no matter what i do.
This coming semester, which is in 1 week's time, i am gonna murder it. I am gonna murder it and leave no trace of the crime. And by murder i mean getting a higher score. A new hostel awaits for my friends and i, and it most probably is closer to our classes. So i guess i will try to break my habit of skipping classes.
I have to pick up the pieces of my life(all the mistakes, regrets, upsets, and failures so far in my, rather young life) and move on with a plus sign in my head.


p.s. i miss all of it. every single thing. even the person. i apologize again, and if i could make up for it, i would give up the world. but it was killing me, slowly, and i needed to focus on studies more. cup of tea?

Bullet Train to Your Head :)

Hari-hari akan berasa nak meletup. Everyday feel like exploding.
Can't help it. Just the view shakes the blood in my veins.
The treatment, phew, rocks the heart to pump profusely.
And at the end of it all, i feel tired, worn out, and a painful chest.
Headaches are coming and going, blood pressure is rising.
When will you realize that you're not the only person alive in this god-damn world?
When will you learn that other people have feelings too?
When will you come to understand that people are different?
WHEN WILL YOU FINALLY SEE THAT WHAT YOU DO AFFECTS THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU?
Argh, Nevermind. Forget it. It's useless anyway. Go on, continue your dilly-dallying, chase your imaginary daisies, which you are plucking from my head.

complexity complex very complicated

You know you want it, but you feel it should not be yours. I know i want what i want, but i also realise i won't be able to get it or even maintain it. So why do i still want it? Hahaha~

Suck!

i am a leecher, i realise it. im sorry.

somethings not lukin good.

Today, i tried to study. A minute later, i gave up. FMI.

Accepted!

Ohhh... can you just remember the moment after SPM, when you were having the time of your life, but then when the results come out.. POOF. It was all just a dream.
Now you're rushing to get accepted into some institute of higher education, well, either you're doing it for yourself, or you're being pushed to do it. It all comes down to what's best for you, and naturally at that point of time, you don't know that yourself. That's what i felt, but i don't know about other people. Anyways, i got accepted into this kick-ass university called UTP(University Technology Petronas) and i didn't know what was coming. Tests, labs, and projects hit me very hard and it took time to get used to. It does take time for students to get the hang of Uni life, and i'm pretty much stable at the moment. And when i say "get the hang of Uni life", UTP makes it such a place that you need to find something to do that's enjoyable or fun because this campus is as dead as a public toilet that is not cleaned up.

So while i was getting the hang of UTP, i indulged myself into watching movies, and this particular movie was a bang! The title is Accepted, made in 2006, by Universal Pictures, and the only thing that caught my attention during the first few minutes of the movie was that the female co-star was the one and only Serena Van der Woodsen!! I'm not that big a fan of Gossip Girl, but i must say that this girl is very very pretty(one of the reasons i watched Gossip Girl in the first place).
 

Serena(I don't know her real name)

As the movie progressed, it became more and more funnier and interesting, and soon, the main attraction wasn't just Serena(Monica was her name in the movie) but instead the whole movie itself. The synopsis is like;

A group of highschool graduates did not get accepted to any colleges, and decided to make their own college. It started with acceptance letters and also a fully functional website that accepts students with just one click(the websites motto was "Acceptance is just one click away"). Even the name of the college was funny, South Harmon Institute of Technology which in short is S.H.I.T..

 So eventually, the fake college that was made up just to deceive the group of unaccepted graduates started having more students(due to the one click away scheme on the website). At first, the creator of the fake college, Bartleby, wanted to tell the so-called students that the college was a fake, but after seeing the expression of happiness by being accepted that the students had on their faces, he decided to make the place something real. The courses that were available are made by the students, such as Slacking 101, Rock Our Faces Off 302, and others with very informal names. The college became more lively and the best thing was that the students were learning what they wanted to learn, not what the government thinks they should know. Unfortunately, the place where the college was created was in the way of a construction of a huge gateway for a real college - Harmon, and the dean of the college would stop at nothing to get the gateway done. So eventually the secret came out that the S.H.I.T. was a fake and Bartleby would be sued. But one of Bartleby's friend got them a meeting with the accreditation panel of Education of the state, to try and get S.H.I.T. accredited as a real college. And as usual, every movie naturally has a happy ending, so S.H.I.T. became a real college, with only 1 teacher and dean, and the students teach themselves. And also, all the students called themselves S.H.I.T. heads. Oh yeah, Bartleby got Monica too.

  awesome movie
bartleby: We're shitheads and we are proud to admit that!

It was a great movie, and there's only one thing i can ask after watching it. Am i learning what i want to learn in my Uni? Is it what i want to do for the rest of my life? Oh well, getting accepted is hard enough, so i should stop complaining. I just wonder, what's the purpose of education ? Is it just some kind of propaganda that terrorizes students for 10 years or more and then haunts them for the rest of their lives, forcing them to live the way the system, the government, and the society dictates them to? To me, education can be a life saver in the future, where you can get a good job and salary, but some people have dreams they would die for, and it's a pity if that dream would be killed by our so-called education system.