Tired. So tired.

It's just a normal weekend in my campus, UTP, Tronoh, Perak.
Typical university student life i guess.

I spend my evening and nights playing futsal, getting bruises all over my legs, and muscle cramps that take weeks to heal.
I indulge myself in LAN games, movies, and series(Korean drama's mostly).
I try to cut down on what i eat, making sure that it doesn't cost too much.
I wake up each morning feeling groggy, and immediately sit in front of my desktop, trying to figure out what to do. Most of the time, i just play some clips that i have already watched more than a thousand times.
Breakfast isn't much of a routine anymore, and for the rest of the day, i try to do all of the above.

I wonder what is missing from my daily life here. Well, apart from religious practices which i have abandoned for a week or so, i find myself yearning for something that i eagerly let go of.
Envy is my middle name, and being envious of those around me makes me sulk even more.
Thinking of what i did back then, i have come to realize that as far as my own sense of logic and conscience affects my decisions, i most certainly have a glimpse of regret on what i have done.
I wish i could talk to someone, i wish i could talk to "you".
Oh, i wish upon each falling star, even the ones that fall during the day, which you can't see but it does exist, that i could talk to you, the way friends do, the way i enjoyed to.

Being an introvert is my forte, i like to keep things to myself.
It's is normal that everyone needs to let out at least a part of their stuffed problems and daily misadventures, but i don't do it, i can't. I like to be cool, as if everything is going according to plan, my very own master plan. I have seen what i can become when the lid of my sorrows pops and everything comes gushing out like a broken dam. I have seen it myself, and honestly, it ain't pretty. I let all those around me down. I even hurt my friends. By right i should be a castaway, and quite frankly, it seems that i have to start counting my blessings, coz, the time will come when it surely runs out.

The path i have chosen seems to lead to an old abandoned house, where no one comes to visit, afraid of the senile old man who keeps lizards as his pets. Writing about my feelings in this FMI blog seems to be the best way i can get some of these tormenting thoughts of my shoulders. I want to breath air, i want to start off anew, with no past, an exciting present, and a hopeful future. It sounds cliche, but it is truly what i desire.

Anyone who comes across this post, or any other emo-post that is in this blog, will be immediately bored to death, but that's the sole reason why i named it FMI. Only for me to trash talk this blog to the brim of its cup.

Anyway, i am feeling a bit better now, all this pent-up stress is certainly taking a toll on me, mentally and physically.

End, Begin!

You know how they always say that in every end there is a new beginning, and for every beginning there is an end? They should combine these two words, and that's what you call the transition period for the end to become a new beginning. Something like "beginend" or "EndBegin", but it sounds best as " End, Begin!", cause it sounds like a countdown to an eating contest, only the "and" is a "end".
Anyway, my semester results have come out, and seriously, i couldn't sleep cause it was on my mind the whole entire time waiting for it to be uploaded on the prism thingy. I'm having mixed feelings about last semester's result; i am happy that i am still on the dean's list, but a huge part of me keeps bugging me about how much better i could have done(for the fact that i had only four subjects last sem, which is short 2 from a normal semester.). Well, what's done is done, i can't change it no matter what i do.
This coming semester, which is in 1 week's time, i am gonna murder it. I am gonna murder it and leave no trace of the crime. And by murder i mean getting a higher score. A new hostel awaits for my friends and i, and it most probably is closer to our classes. So i guess i will try to break my habit of skipping classes.
I have to pick up the pieces of my life(all the mistakes, regrets, upsets, and failures so far in my, rather young life) and move on with a plus sign in my head.


p.s. i miss all of it. every single thing. even the person. i apologize again, and if i could make up for it, i would give up the world. but it was killing me, slowly, and i needed to focus on studies more. cup of tea?