Till It's Gone

 Don't it always seem to go

That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot

How often is it that we take for granted what we have and don't give much appreciation for these seemingly little but enormously significant things?

Just because its always there, or just because it appears so frequently we tend to get sick of em', does not mean we do not need it at all.

While it might concern the bigger picture, my own experience about being grateful and not is much more personal than survival necessities.

Though we may subject gratefulness to things that keep us alive and well, such as forests, lakes, air and even light itself, my only concern for this post is to rant about what I have let go of and regret so bitterly.

Once we decide to let go of stuff, it tends to hit us back somewhat ironically in the near or never-ending future.

Being forced to stay in this place when my period in this hell has already expired is beginning to bore me to my very core. It is times like these that I wished I'd never applied here in the first place. But then again, I would miss out on a lot of things, good and bad, awesome and not-so-awesome, positive and negative, and many others that have impacted my life in a way which I can never be certain of it's goodness or badness.

I like this place. I like the people. I like my friends. 

BUT  I HATE THIS PERIOD OF TIME.

PERIOD.

Nah, it's just the heat of the moment. Being alone and having nothing awesome to do can be depressing. Although it is pretty much what I do on a daily basis here. 

Being grateful is also related to being content with what you have. And being content is one thing I will never be good at. Sadly, I am diagnosed with the disability of being able to stay satisfied with what I have.

I'm working on it, 24/7, 52 weeks, 365 days a year. 

Kinda failing though, and only seeing tiny glimpses of hope to ever recover.

I really miss the times when I was a kid.

I didn't really have that much of a desire.

Now, in my youth, desire can be a pain in the ass.

It is an unquenchable thirst for things that I (in my current state) will either have trouble with or is virtually impossible to acquire.

And then, by being the ungrateful dimwit I am, things that I already have, abstract and physical stuff, I throw them out the window for something more which usually does not come.

Ironically, these things come back and haunt me, making me feel the regret of choosing to abandon them.

All I can do to make myself feel better is the thought of something better that might come along as I walk forward.

Maybe, just MAYBE, this time, I will see the value in things, and be GRATEFUL, and not let them go.

Thank You

Missing?

Yeah, what do i mean by missing?
There are many things that come up when this word is mentioned.
In particular, this is about me.
I don't know how to figure this out, or how to make it go away.

For all i know is that something or someone or even the abstract of things (emotions and moods) is missing.
Somewhere in the line of life, i have made decisions, choices that determine any number of possible outcomes.
I can say that my decisions were made after a great deal of calculation, but mixed up with emotions.
I am not proud of my decisions, i won't say it was for the best, but all i can do is be grateful that they have brought me here, this moment, alive and still in one piece. As for those decisions that have cost me so much, i can't stand the thought of doing things the other way, taking the path which might have lead to a better future.
I am truly sorry to all those whom i have affected due to my bad decision-making, and if it does you any justice, i don't feel all to good myself, and i hope that i can make it up to whomever that i have crossed.

The thing about these outcomes is similar to a trip. You go with what you have packed, and you come back with either have something extra, or something left behind. That is precisely what i am experiencing now.
I dived into these moments, and have come back with perspectives anew, connections, and maybe new friends, but some things, things that i hold dear, i have left behind with no intention of doing so.
The worst thing is that i don't remember. I am not caught up with anything, i am not that busy to be forgetful.
I just don't remember. All those memories that have once eased the core of my human soul are dissipating, one by one being forgotten. I don't know why. And new feelings come up to the surface, ripping my mind into shreds, forcing their way through to dominate what's left of my old self. Am i a changed person? Am i still the same? I can't tell. I can't remember. I just hope that there is still room for a good side of me, one of which i love the most. One of which she loved the most.

All my rants have come up to one summary. A lost and found case, only what was found isn't what was lost, and what was lost remains a memory.

"to all good things comes an end"

Anyway, I would like to forward my condolences to my friend and coursemate and also statemate, Lorenzo, for the passing of his late grandfather. I am very sorry for your loss, but as God has made us all, he will take us back. Just be eased by the promise of Christ that he who has burdened, he shall be given rest. Take care Lo and be strong, we need you to take this crappy semester down. Cheer up :)

Highhh

Doing all my stuff with an all-time high
So high i can't remember why
The reason i chose to get high
So high i can fly
Hahaha

Despicable Me.

Kelas tak pergi. Assignment tak buat. Janji tak dikotakan.
Memang despicable la.

boom boooom

1st time clubbing. Ingat enjoy... In the end, dapat headache with a scale of 9 on the Ritcher scale..
Not a clubber i guess. Haha, though i like to put music loud in my own room.
Drinking would be a much better choice, and it might be much more enjoyable.
Damn, clubs would be off my to-go-to list when i'm rich enough.
Oh well,

So don't knock it, don't knock it, you've been here before..

...

given a chance
i wanna be somebody
 
if for one dance
i wanna be somebody
 
open the door
it's gonna make you love me
 
facing the floor
i wanna be somebody

Shut Eye

Come on, sleep. You need it. Enough playing games, enough watching crap, enough.
I just can't sleep. Is it my fault?
Of course it is. What's that sound?
Huh? What sound?
You don't hear it?
No, i don't! Tell me what it is!
Its the sound of people sleeping. Why aren't you doing the same?
I can be different if i want to you know. Frankly i do wanna sleep.
Then what's the problem?
Its just that i have trouble sleeping when i think about stuff ya' know.
Stop thinking then, if that's the problem. Lay down, close your eyes and picture tomorrow.
That's thinking too smart-ass.
Well, just lay down and be blank.
Easy for you to say, you're just saying it, you're not doing it.
Okay, i will show you.
Go ahead then. Teach me oh master of sleeping.
....
....
....
I'm not learning anything.
...
...
...
Nothing, just watching you lay down and doing nothing.
..
..
..
Which part of this is suppose to help me sleep?
.
.
.
Zzzzzzz~

Weekenders.

Yeah the weekend is here!

Punya penat this week. Can die man. Just literally la.
Everyday wake up at 7am, but choose to skip class and go to the next one at 10.
Piled up assignments berkat procrastination. Haha.
Oh well, standard ba tu. At least i got it all done before the weekend, thanks to Lo for sending a copy to plagiarize. Thank you sooooo much!
But the coming weekend is gonna hurt, coz got montage meeting, which is something i have never done for all my life in this campus. Buat saja bha, yg penting siap, suma happy, beres.
Got test on Monday, have to study during the weekend, spoil la man.
Come on! Weekends are supposed to be free time! Haha, weekends are surely overrated.
I am waiting for a chance to have fun, yeah, fun fun fun.
But this is the part of the semester where things get hectic, and i am a newbie in being a workaholic. Not that i am being one now, but its gonna happen coz there is so much to do!
 

It pretty much sums it all doesn't it *wink*

Tired. So tired.

It's just a normal weekend in my campus, UTP, Tronoh, Perak.
Typical university student life i guess.

I spend my evening and nights playing futsal, getting bruises all over my legs, and muscle cramps that take weeks to heal.
I indulge myself in LAN games, movies, and series(Korean drama's mostly).
I try to cut down on what i eat, making sure that it doesn't cost too much.
I wake up each morning feeling groggy, and immediately sit in front of my desktop, trying to figure out what to do. Most of the time, i just play some clips that i have already watched more than a thousand times.
Breakfast isn't much of a routine anymore, and for the rest of the day, i try to do all of the above.

I wonder what is missing from my daily life here. Well, apart from religious practices which i have abandoned for a week or so, i find myself yearning for something that i eagerly let go of.
Envy is my middle name, and being envious of those around me makes me sulk even more.
Thinking of what i did back then, i have come to realize that as far as my own sense of logic and conscience affects my decisions, i most certainly have a glimpse of regret on what i have done.
I wish i could talk to someone, i wish i could talk to "you".
Oh, i wish upon each falling star, even the ones that fall during the day, which you can't see but it does exist, that i could talk to you, the way friends do, the way i enjoyed to.

Being an introvert is my forte, i like to keep things to myself.
It's is normal that everyone needs to let out at least a part of their stuffed problems and daily misadventures, but i don't do it, i can't. I like to be cool, as if everything is going according to plan, my very own master plan. I have seen what i can become when the lid of my sorrows pops and everything comes gushing out like a broken dam. I have seen it myself, and honestly, it ain't pretty. I let all those around me down. I even hurt my friends. By right i should be a castaway, and quite frankly, it seems that i have to start counting my blessings, coz, the time will come when it surely runs out.

The path i have chosen seems to lead to an old abandoned house, where no one comes to visit, afraid of the senile old man who keeps lizards as his pets. Writing about my feelings in this FMI blog seems to be the best way i can get some of these tormenting thoughts of my shoulders. I want to breath air, i want to start off anew, with no past, an exciting present, and a hopeful future. It sounds cliche, but it is truly what i desire.

Anyone who comes across this post, or any other emo-post that is in this blog, will be immediately bored to death, but that's the sole reason why i named it FMI. Only for me to trash talk this blog to the brim of its cup.

Anyway, i am feeling a bit better now, all this pent-up stress is certainly taking a toll on me, mentally and physically.

End, Begin!

You know how they always say that in every end there is a new beginning, and for every beginning there is an end? They should combine these two words, and that's what you call the transition period for the end to become a new beginning. Something like "beginend" or "EndBegin", but it sounds best as " End, Begin!", cause it sounds like a countdown to an eating contest, only the "and" is a "end".
Anyway, my semester results have come out, and seriously, i couldn't sleep cause it was on my mind the whole entire time waiting for it to be uploaded on the prism thingy. I'm having mixed feelings about last semester's result; i am happy that i am still on the dean's list, but a huge part of me keeps bugging me about how much better i could have done(for the fact that i had only four subjects last sem, which is short 2 from a normal semester.). Well, what's done is done, i can't change it no matter what i do.
This coming semester, which is in 1 week's time, i am gonna murder it. I am gonna murder it and leave no trace of the crime. And by murder i mean getting a higher score. A new hostel awaits for my friends and i, and it most probably is closer to our classes. So i guess i will try to break my habit of skipping classes.
I have to pick up the pieces of my life(all the mistakes, regrets, upsets, and failures so far in my, rather young life) and move on with a plus sign in my head.


p.s. i miss all of it. every single thing. even the person. i apologize again, and if i could make up for it, i would give up the world. but it was killing me, slowly, and i needed to focus on studies more. cup of tea?

Bullet Train to Your Head :)

Hari-hari akan berasa nak meletup. Everyday feel like exploding.
Can't help it. Just the view shakes the blood in my veins.
The treatment, phew, rocks the heart to pump profusely.
And at the end of it all, i feel tired, worn out, and a painful chest.
Headaches are coming and going, blood pressure is rising.
When will you realize that you're not the only person alive in this god-damn world?
When will you learn that other people have feelings too?
When will you come to understand that people are different?
WHEN WILL YOU FINALLY SEE THAT WHAT YOU DO AFFECTS THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU?
Argh, Nevermind. Forget it. It's useless anyway. Go on, continue your dilly-dallying, chase your imaginary daisies, which you are plucking from my head.

complexity complex very complicated

You know you want it, but you feel it should not be yours. I know i want what i want, but i also realise i won't be able to get it or even maintain it. So why do i still want it? Hahaha~

Suck!

i am a leecher, i realise it. im sorry.

somethings not lukin good.

Today, i tried to study. A minute later, i gave up. FMI.

Accepted!

Ohhh... can you just remember the moment after SPM, when you were having the time of your life, but then when the results come out.. POOF. It was all just a dream.
Now you're rushing to get accepted into some institute of higher education, well, either you're doing it for yourself, or you're being pushed to do it. It all comes down to what's best for you, and naturally at that point of time, you don't know that yourself. That's what i felt, but i don't know about other people. Anyways, i got accepted into this kick-ass university called UTP(University Technology Petronas) and i didn't know what was coming. Tests, labs, and projects hit me very hard and it took time to get used to. It does take time for students to get the hang of Uni life, and i'm pretty much stable at the moment. And when i say "get the hang of Uni life", UTP makes it such a place that you need to find something to do that's enjoyable or fun because this campus is as dead as a public toilet that is not cleaned up.

So while i was getting the hang of UTP, i indulged myself into watching movies, and this particular movie was a bang! The title is Accepted, made in 2006, by Universal Pictures, and the only thing that caught my attention during the first few minutes of the movie was that the female co-star was the one and only Serena Van der Woodsen!! I'm not that big a fan of Gossip Girl, but i must say that this girl is very very pretty(one of the reasons i watched Gossip Girl in the first place).
 

Serena(I don't know her real name)

As the movie progressed, it became more and more funnier and interesting, and soon, the main attraction wasn't just Serena(Monica was her name in the movie) but instead the whole movie itself. The synopsis is like;

A group of highschool graduates did not get accepted to any colleges, and decided to make their own college. It started with acceptance letters and also a fully functional website that accepts students with just one click(the websites motto was "Acceptance is just one click away"). Even the name of the college was funny, South Harmon Institute of Technology which in short is S.H.I.T..

 So eventually, the fake college that was made up just to deceive the group of unaccepted graduates started having more students(due to the one click away scheme on the website). At first, the creator of the fake college, Bartleby, wanted to tell the so-called students that the college was a fake, but after seeing the expression of happiness by being accepted that the students had on their faces, he decided to make the place something real. The courses that were available are made by the students, such as Slacking 101, Rock Our Faces Off 302, and others with very informal names. The college became more lively and the best thing was that the students were learning what they wanted to learn, not what the government thinks they should know. Unfortunately, the place where the college was created was in the way of a construction of a huge gateway for a real college - Harmon, and the dean of the college would stop at nothing to get the gateway done. So eventually the secret came out that the S.H.I.T. was a fake and Bartleby would be sued. But one of Bartleby's friend got them a meeting with the accreditation panel of Education of the state, to try and get S.H.I.T. accredited as a real college. And as usual, every movie naturally has a happy ending, so S.H.I.T. became a real college, with only 1 teacher and dean, and the students teach themselves. And also, all the students called themselves S.H.I.T. heads. Oh yeah, Bartleby got Monica too.

  awesome movie
bartleby: We're shitheads and we are proud to admit that!

It was a great movie, and there's only one thing i can ask after watching it. Am i learning what i want to learn in my Uni? Is it what i want to do for the rest of my life? Oh well, getting accepted is hard enough, so i should stop complaining. I just wonder, what's the purpose of education ? Is it just some kind of propaganda that terrorizes students for 10 years or more and then haunts them for the rest of their lives, forcing them to live the way the system, the government, and the society dictates them to? To me, education can be a life saver in the future, where you can get a good job and salary, but some people have dreams they would die for, and it's a pity if that dream would be killed by our so-called education system. 

It's been a while.

PHuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
So long was it since i posted anything. No reasons, i don't know why.
Its been a rough time lately, or rather, these few months.
Haven't been doing what a student should be doing, and have been doing stuff student's should not.
The details, well, just to keep it simple; it ain't pretty.

This blog will soon become a trashcan of thoughts and regrets, hopes and failures, and stuff like that.
I just can't find another way to take these things of my mind, so hopefully, this might work.
To make things clearer, for me, cause' i wanna read this later after i post it, i will start of with a story.

Once upon a time, this boy like this girl. This girl was perfect for the boy(so it seemed) so the boy was head over heels for this girl. Unfortunately, by the ever so random choice of fate, this girl only wanted the boy as kawan. But the boy don't want that, and after certain human mistakes, the boy decided to completely ignore the girl. Well, after a while, the girl was sad(so she said) cause her kawanboy is not her kawan anymore. But the boy began to see that he was being selfish and stupid, so he maafkan her, and invited her to his birthday. The boy still has that present she gave him until now (using it i may add). But after secondary, the boy and girl began to drift apart, so the boy go and try to close the gap before the girl went overseas. He still kept in touch with her when she was in a land far far away. It seemed like they were closer than ever before, only that it "seemed' that way, unfortunately not. So this girl got together with a boy who is a friend of the kawanboy, and the same human mistake happened again, causing a more severe ignorance complex. After all that happened between the girl and her kawanboy, the kawanboy will surely have a major hard time to get things together. So the kawanboy stupidly got together with a different girl he liked. The kawanboy decided that time will make him fall for this girl. It at first seemed that way, the kawanboy liked this girl very much, and would do many things for her, even stuff that would get him in serious trouble with his parents if he were found out. But the kawanboy started to realize, the way the relationship was working, he would keep getting disappointed and depressed. This was because everything the kawanboy does for this girl, it was only tearing him and the girl apart. Another point to add was that the parents of the kawanboy, were strict about dating. So the kawanboy had to lie each time, and this didn't make anything better. And the kawanboy started to mistreat the girl, and make her feel bad, and although he realized it, he didn't have the guts to keep up. He did try to make her feel better, it wasn't hard to do, but still, he could not do it. From liking to duty, he knew what had become of this thing he had with the girl. So he had to do the hardest thing. He had to become the bad guy. Well, considering the facts, the kawanboy was a badguy, so the kawanboy did it anyway. *break*
The irony is that the kawanboy misses the girl very much but knows that the girl will be angry, and things will not be the same, but he did it because he cares for her. He knows and hopes that there is another boy out there that can give her what he could not because she deserves much more. *the end*

Okay, end of story, and from what i have learned, friends are always friends, if you cross the line, it's gonna take a huge U-turn to get back. And also, there is more to doing the right thing than doing it just for self gain.
This is the first time i ever told this story, and to be frank, i'm quite embarrassed by just typing it. But then again, i like to keep stuff to myself, and i don't have a freakin' diary, so i'll just post it here where nobody reads it. I'm not emotional or depressed, i just have a lot in mind, and i've got study week ahead, so my mind works best empty, or not full.

No Pics, just Words.

I have to try to keep this blog alive. Syg je buat if i don't update it.

It's a funny thing when all you can describe something is written in words, but no picture to present. But with words, anything is possible, like when i say i have hair that spikes like a porcupine. First thing that comes to mind is "He's got punk'd hair.". But nah, i don't have spiky hair. My hair barely stands up. Get my point?

Therefore, it is much more interesting to read something in words, imagining what the hell the writer is trying to describe, compared to checking the real thing out, which can be quite "potong stim".
I remember reading the Lord of The Rings book, and it was describing this city call Minas Tirith. How the author, Tolkien, described it, the place was a living paradise on earth. Thankfully, when the movie came out, Minas Tirith was portrayed beautifully and absolutely fit to be considered a marvel of construction, but only in fantasy. Cause' the city was actually carved out from a mountain, and was so splendid(kuno) that the idea itself would baffle even today's architects.

Anyway, that's what makes movies that are adopted from novels such great masterpieces. Sadly, not all are that way, and even the ones that were are starting to lose their charms, probably because anxious movie goers who can't wait for the movie to be released go and purchase the book and find out what happens in the story. Ah, what a waste. Pretty good example is Harry Potter. The first one came out. It became a hit. Not watching it in a cinema would be the regret of your life. Now, i think it's the Sixth one already, but i haven't even watched the Fifth, not even the downloaded copies. Its because everyone has already read the ending, read all the books, and all that's left to do is to see the cast of the movie and the special effects. ALL ON TRAILERS. But the movie industry is still making big bucks, so whatever.

Sorry for the random thought, saja nak isikan blog nie.

U know what i think?

O.O

I don't really care about what people use their blogs for, but the income they get(if they make it a business) is quite tempting.
As for me, i treat this blog as a trash can. A place to dump all my stuff that i can't tell other people or stuff that would just burden their minds if they were to try and rationalize and then conjure up a neat conclusion, in addition to a whole new set of advices which keep ringing the same tone as ones i heard before.

Current mode = I don't know what to do(besides the obvious -> studying), And I'm caught up in stuff i don't even remember getting into, or even worse, i don't know what they are.
So here i am, dumping my rubbish, on my blog... For my poor readers to read(if there were any, hopefully none cause' it makes me look pathetic ha-ha).
Jammed with thoughts, desires, and regrets, it is hard to focus and get things right. Thankfully, I've got my own type of cigarettes to deal with this. A pack full of DotA and on-and-off futsal games which wears me out physically, allowing me to forget my mental disturbances.

I just wished, for once, i would get my original drive back. The one that got me started on this path. Without a drive, this keeps feeling like a job that has to be done for the sake of doing it. The process becomes impossible to enjoy, the results fail to satisfy not only the person assessing it, but also the person doing the job. If i could sleep now, and wake up knowing that i have something to do, and my soul filled with passion in doing it, life in campus would be so much more lively. Instead, I'm stuck finding stuff to do to cover-up the boredom.

The more this feeling of emptiness remains, i am fearing that even the drama's using foreign languages will not be enough to suffice for my lack of activities. I know this can't continue, it would be very dangerous to my pointer, but what can i do? What is there to do when the root of the problem is not known? Or maybe the problem is known, but there ain't nothing in the world that you/I can do to solve it?

There you go. Tonight's rant about what i think about whatever that is on my mind but not a single focused theme. Or maybe the theme is myself? Who knows.

Trouble...

Trouble is not a friend.
Damn that song from Lenka, nobody wants trouble as a friend.

I might be talking out of my way here, but its my blog, so I'll blab about what i want.
Ha-ha.
At first i thought it was going to be a long time. Really.
But then, time flew by me.
I was thrown right into the real deal!
UG!
Still time flew faster than i could shout," Oi, i haven't finished studying yet!".
There goes my first semester in UG. Three more years left.

Holidays, ah, got to spend precious time with my "dear".
Had the time of my life with her too.
Hoping a lot that there's more to come, but only time will tell.
But apart from that, trouble came along...
Like i said, i don't like trouble, that's why I'm not friends with him/her/it/whatever in the first place.
Financial crunch(not that serious but enough to be troubled.)
Family Misunderstanding(kinda left a hard-to-go-away stain.)
Distance(why the hell must studying have to be away from home.)
InnerSelf(the Force is troubling in me...)
etc...(I'm not being dramatic or anything, just pouring some badass water before i get corrupted.)

But I trust that I will be able to see this true. Life is like this, so i will start to shut up.
Ha-ha.
It could have been worse, so this is the end of my complaining, and the start of my working.

And if "you"re reading this, i will try my best, as a 18-year old student, to rearrange my priorities, and "you"re gonna be way up in the list.

Inspired Me...

Yeah, we live with regrets...
Regrets make a big part of our lives...
How stupid were we when we did/didn't do what we would regret...

That, up there, goes to me!
Do you ever say to yourself, "Sayang oh sa tida buat macam tu",
"If I only i did something", and so on with other quotes of regrets,
all saying the same damn thing...

THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT
IT WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS

But I'm done thinking about my regrets up to now.
Yang sudah, akan "stay" sudah.
Yang baru akan datang.
New stuff coming my way, so goodbye regrets,
hello new opportunities and challenges,
and i'll always be reminded, i will have the time of my life.

p.s. feel like mixing up the languages a little.
inspired by Adventureland and Time of Your Life.