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I am a person who couldn't care less about anything which everything isn't.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Missing?

Yeah, what do i mean by missing?
There are many things that come up when this word is mentioned.
In particular, this is about me.
I don't know how to figure this out, or how to make it go away.

For all i know is that something or someone or even the abstract of things (emotions and moods) is missing.
Somewhere in the line of life, i have made decisions, choices that determine any number of possible outcomes.
I can say that my decisions were made after a great deal of calculation, but mixed up with emotions.
I am not proud of my decisions, i won't say it was for the best, but all i can do is be grateful that they have brought me here, this moment, alive and still in one piece. As for those decisions that have cost me so much, i can't stand the thought of doing things the other way, taking the path which might have lead to a better future.
I am truly sorry to all those whom i have affected due to my bad decision-making, and if it does you any justice, i don't feel all to good myself, and i hope that i can make it up to whomever that i have crossed.

The thing about these outcomes is similar to a trip. You go with what you have packed, and you come back with either have something extra, or something left behind. That is precisely what i am experiencing now.
I dived into these moments, and have come back with perspectives anew, connections, and maybe new friends, but some things, things that i hold dear, i have left behind with no intention of doing so.
The worst thing is that i don't remember. I am not caught up with anything, i am not that busy to be forgetful.
I just don't remember. All those memories that have once eased the core of my human soul are dissipating, one by one being forgotten. I don't know why. And new feelings come up to the surface, ripping my mind into shreds, forcing their way through to dominate what's left of my old self. Am i a changed person? Am i still the same? I can't tell. I can't remember. I just hope that there is still room for a good side of me, one of which i love the most. One of which she loved the most.

All my rants have come up to one summary. A lost and found case, only what was found isn't what was lost, and what was lost remains a memory.

"to all good things comes an end"

Anyway, I would like to forward my condolences to my friend and coursemate and also statemate, Lorenzo, for the passing of his late grandfather. I am very sorry for your loss, but as God has made us all, he will take us back. Just be eased by the promise of Christ that he who has burdened, he shall be given rest. Take care Lo and be strong, we need you to take this crappy semester down. Cheer up :)

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